something of life

 

depression has had a deep hold on my life for some years now.

i’m not sure when it started but just that it slowly got bigger and bigger until it was my life. the canceling, the lack of laughter, the thinking that this is all there is or ever will be.
depression looks, on me, like a constant last minute canceling of things i was at one point the most excited to do.

it looks like getting up getting to the car and turning around because my body completely feels like it might crumble if i drive even 10 minutes. to be alone for such a time, torture.

but to be with people and feel the need to look just peachy. more torture. depression is an ugly word and gets a bad rap in our culture, which is why i never even admitted to myself that it was a real thing that i struggle with.

“oh i'm just tired i’m just tired i'm just tired.”

“i just don't want to talk, i don't want to talk, idon’twanttotalk,idon'twanttomove.”

“letmestopitalleverythingnothingisworthit”

my thoughts and prayers for years. something i often hatestruggle with is that fact that people normally don’t let you in on their darkest of times until it’s over, til' we’ve finally crossed that bridge and jumped that hurdle.

i don’t know what the right thing to do is, but i know thatfor myself it helps to talk about the hard parts of life when you're in them. not after. i’m still fighting this fight, but i’ve learned to let some people in, and man it hurt, it was hard, but it wasn’t worth looking pristine and shiny. i’m broken, i’m constantly failing, and am currently having a deep deep conversation with depression, that may last for the rest of my life. 

 

& some words from the one, and only Yan Palmer

‘  “but it's in your head,” we are told. well, yes it is. thank you for your astute observation. but it's also in our hearts. in our soul, in the chemical makeup of our physiology and sometimes even the inheritance of our DNA……so you figure out how to dance with a monster on a battleground and call it your life. you figure out the smallest steps you can possibly take without getting eaten and/or blown up. the small steps for me are the absolute most basic-- love. gratitude. humor. art. they hurt to practice. every part of me resists. but i do because if i don't, i die. ‘