life is now

“we’re all going to die”
“how you spend your days is, ultimately, how you spend your life”
“love yourself!”
“release all the negative, don’t let it go unspoken”
“you only ever have this small sliver of time. and now it’s gone.”
“crying is one of the best ways to release bad energy”

these sentences or phrases, in a nutshell, is what sums up field trip for me. i have one life, i have one moment. i only have this moment right now. and now it’s gone.

and now i have this moment.

and now it’s gone.

the only certainty in life is this moment. and death.

i cannot be constantly feeling guilty for things and letting my head swarm around those things at night before i go to sleep.

i need to have grace for myself. love for myself.

if i spend an entire day binging netflix instead of doing what i said i would, beating myself up for it later does nothing good. instead when i spend a day in bed or sleep in a little later i will give those days and moments to myself as gifts. let myself have it so then the next couple days instead of beating myself up for it i can do something more productive, more worthwhile.

i’m in the process of learning to love myself and learning to be constantly living like death is the next thing.  those two ideas can be hard to look at right next to each other, but those two ideas are what i want my life to be.

how can i really truly love people if i am not loving myself? and for me, i do need more rest and calmness than the average person and i used to hate myself for that. feel like i’m weaker in some way for it. but i need the rest that i take in some moments in order to be fully present for the next moments. and that is okay.

and with that, here are some photos from fieldtrip that seem unrelated but are so deeply related to what i have just written about.

yeah field trip, you were a field of dreams. i had what felt like a love affair with you for two sweet beautiful years, and like all love affairs, you too had to end. but what you gave me will last a lifetime. you gave me life. & may you rest in peace, dearest one.