i just finished listening to yan’s podcast this week. called “heartbeats: shame” and woah was my little shameful self not ready for what i was about to hear. but i believe that you can’t ever fully be ready for anything. and i had to stop doing this dishes for a little because it had me so in tears and unfunctional.

you don’t understand.

i had never heard anything more true to me than when she was talking about what that little voice in her head sounds like to her. that shame voice.

and i know some people when they speak of “truth” are only referring to the pretty truths in life. but there are some truths that are so so real and are not pretty. but they’re there. and recently i have been speaking to people about how real this thing is that i carry. this shame.

a friend and i even wrote a song about it. but that doesn’t mean it goes away. and to hear yan saying exactly what i speak to myself every day, to herself! well, i was a mess. a mess because at first, i was just in such shock that she could say such things to herself. i wanted to stop it.

and then another moment of complete sadness rolled in when i realized she was speaking the words i say to myself.

out. loud.

i had never heard those words said out loud. no one has ever said those words out loud to me. and for that i am thankful. but i say those words to myself.

every. single. day.

i think writing them down for you to read wouldn’t even do the understanding that you need from when you hear it out loud. i’ve never heard it said before and i want to run and show gideon and say “here! this! listen to this! THIS is what i struggle with. this is what it looks like and sounds like!” but at the same time i want to curl up under my blankets and make sure no one listens to that or at least if they do praypraypray that they don’t know that’s what i’m like. because it feels like i’ve been uncovered. i feel so naked and revealed. my heart and mind uncovered for all to see and hear.

but there is strength in hearing that someone else shares this struggle, shares this part of their life that you carry as well.

and so i won’t hide. i won’t cower under the covers. at least not today.

go listen.